Rachel's Perspective

The following note was written by my daughter, Rachel:

"Philippians 1:27

New quarter! I am excited for Spring Quarter.

Lots of things have changed.

Cancer update -
Spring break at home was refreshing, but, as I have come to expect, going home is hard. Sometimes I am completely prepared to walk into my kitchen and see my baldy-mommy and other times I need to do a double take. Wait? What? Oh yeah... she has breast cancer. You know, I have to tell you that I feel stupid sometimes making a big deal out of my mom being bald. But picture your mom bald... yeah, it's pretty different, now isn't it?

Life is the same, and life is so so different. Schedules are just as demanding, probably even more demanding than they were before. Mom still goes to work, Dad commutes too. Ellie has school. As if life isn't busy enough without chemo, dr. appointments, etc. etc.

Over break I went to the cancer center with my mom, dad, and Ellie for chemo. I had a bad attitude about going. I had already gone there before, over Christmas break. I was a brat about going, and made it pretty clear I didn't want to have to do it again. My mom said "do you think I want to have to come here again, Rachel?"

I can handle my mom being bald, I can handle the emotional turmoil (with help), I can handle the sick and twisted effects breast cancer has on my family, but for some reason... I can't handle being in the building where the cancer is treated. I hate it. I just cannot stand it. But, it was good for me to go again, and good for Ellie to go and understand what happens when mom goes in for treatment. Ellie needed to see it, I think. It's bad and scary and twists your stomach into knots, but it's good because it teaches you.

When people ask me how my mom is doing I am flattered and touched that they care. But, honestly, when most people ask me how my mom is doing I usually just use the cop-out and say: "fine." That is mostly because I don't like going into the detail of how much breast cancer disgusts me. It is evil, it is sick, it is bad. I say fine because part of me doesn't want to overwhelm someone, part of me doesn't want to be pitied, and part of me just doesn't want to talk about it. Also, in the back of my head I always wonder if the person will think I'm just being dramatic and wish I would just get over it. But, I do talk about it with some people, which is good. As a general rule I keep it to myself. I don't bring it up unless someone asks me about it, which is true of the people I do and don't share with. This isn't to discourage anyone to ask me how my mom is doing, it is really encouraging actually. Just don't expect me to always gush about it. Gushing is hard sometimes, even for me. There are just some days that I don't want to think about breast cancer, and I think I am entitled to that. I don't know if that's right or wrong. After all, my mom can't ignore it. She can't choose to be healthy one day and then go back to fighting cancer the next. But I do know that when I try not to think about my mom being a cancer patient it's not me living in a dream world, it's not depriving myself of the truth... it's giving myself a break. Letting loose. Let me have that.

Another thing that I've noticed is that now, like a turkey is drawn to shiny things, I am drawn to the pink ribbon. Out of compulsion, I look at merchandise - no matter what it is - if it is flaunting Susan G. Komen or Breast Cancer Awareness. Support the Cure reusable grocery bag? Absolutely. Pink highlighters with the pink ribbon on it? Yes, please. Post-its. Give them to me. Buttons. How can I resist? Jewelry. Wrap it up. It's actually not that bad. I don't usually buy it, but if I had the money on me... I would. I usually just look at the packaging like it is the coolest thing in the world. Did you know that I have even been crocheting pink ribbons for people to put on their back packs? It's true. I have a condition.

This is a long battle. After my mom's first surgery, when they removed the lump from her breast, it annoyed me when people gave me books or breast cancer information. I was like... hello? She's done with surgery. It's over. Wrong! Not over, it won't be over for a long time.

BUT this is amazing. This is great. I am EXCITED. My mom is strong and courageous and a fighter. She is shining Christ's light through this situation. I remember that when I was getting ready to go home for her first surgery I was PUMPED! I was so excited because I believed God was going to kick this situation in the butt because I knew there would be people we loved surrounding us who don't know Jesus. If one person, just one, can see Jesus in this situation it will be more than worth it. I want to see lives changed for Christ and my mom is living her life for Him and I know that people are seeing that. She would have no hope, I would have no hope, my family would have NO HOPE if it wasn't for Jesus Christ. Because we know He has a plan for us and that we have placed our faith in the one who knows us better than we know ourselves."