Perspective: Contrast and Comparison are Great Helps

I am told that I look "so good!"

And that I look like "all is going well".

And that I am "doing great!".

I do.

And it is.

And I am.

But only because it is in contrast to how I looked and how I was doing in December, January, and February. No contest about which chemo drugs are harder to "tolerate" (as Jerry would say). There are reasons that one can receive those first drugs only once in one's lifetime...and I happen to think one of those reasons should be the nasty side effects.

It is true, my life goes on. I still get up in the morning and switch out the laundry, fix lunches, get something underway for dinner (ok -- usually I have only to pull something out of the freezer and put it in the oven and set the timer, but still...), make sure Miss Ellie is ready to go, and then it's out the door by 7:10. Drop off Ellie at school, and then head to work in Oregon City. Leaving Oregon City in time to pick up Ellie from track practice, and back in through our kitchen door by 5:15 if we're lucky. Dinner, bath, bed.

But, there are side effects from the current chemo that threaten to sideline me.

Fatigue. Fatigue sometimes so severe that I truly think I will melt into the floor if I don't hold on to something. Fatigue that comes so fast and is so overwhelming that staying awake for afternoon meetings is a gamble.

Aches. I now know, I think, where EVERY bone is in my body. Trust me. This is not a good discovery. I know because EVERY bone aches. Finger joints. Elbows. Tailbone. Toes. Hips. Heels. Feet. Ankles. Wrists. Neck. Shoulders. Not every bone all the time. Some bones some of the time. But I never know when. Or what. Usually at least one severe ache going on always. Jerry gave me vicodon for the pain, but I haven't used it. Scared of those darn narcotics.

Skin loss. The skin on the bottom of my feet is peeling away. Large amounts. Down to bleeding in a number of places. All damage from the taxol. So much skin loss that it is painful to walk. Good thing my white blood count has remained fairly stable. Bad place to get an infection. Jerry is checking my feet every time I see him. Wants to keep "an eye" on them. Some skin loss on my finger tips and the palms of my hands, but nothing severe there. Sores on my gums and roof of my mouth -- as if I have had burns. Skin loss there, too.

I am not complaining. No siree. Because I'd rather these side effects over the nausea any day. I can power through fatigue and pain. Or I can sit down and rest for a minute. I can deal. I can "tolerate".

Yep.

It's all in the perspective.

This is tolerable because the previous treatment was not.