All About Me? Not Really

It has been less than a week since my last two entries, and I have not been able to stop thinking about what I wrote. Because, in some senses, my writings were wrong. Everything is NOT all about me. Not breast cancer, not breast cancer treatment, not life.

I wrote about wanting to know the purpose of this trial called cancer. I wrote that I knew it is ultimately for God's glory. That IS true. But I also wrote that I wanted the scroll to show me the good things, the great things, that would come from this. As I have mulled over my thoughts, I realized that my words could be misconstrued. Because it is quite possible that the outcomes that I will see and know about are not good in my estimation. Or the estimation of my family. My definition of "good" may not be the true definition, or God's definition. I am hopeful that we can see how the purpose of bringing glory to God has short-term good for us.

But what if I can't see good? What if the outcome is different than I want it to be? What then? Will God not be glorified because I don't like the outcome? NO.

I KNOW that good will come from this journey. What that good will be, and what it will look like, may remain a mystery for a long time. Perhaps forever in our timelines. Good WILL come. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Of course, I want, hope, that the good is complete healing. Normal routine and life back in place. Health. Happiness. The American Dream. My ideas. My definition. I am slowly understanding, in my heart, that my "good" and true "good" may not be the same. So I am praying that my definition and understanding of "good" will be redefined to align with "true good".

I also wrote about being selfish in deciding whether or not to be bald or wear hats. No apologies for being selfish, or for being bald. Nope. Not sorry. My selfish-ness in this particular situation is more of a "sense" of self. Awareness of what I am willing or unwilling to deal with.

But, again, everything is NOT all about me.

All of which leads me to these next thoughts: so many of us wonder "what is God's will (or plan) for my life?" "What does God have for me to do?"

I believe that is backwards.

Because it is NOT about us.

I believe the real question is "How do I fit into God's plan?" It is all about HIM.

He tells us in His Word what He has for us to do.

"He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

I wrote that I want to protect my babies' hearts. I do. So very much. I wrote that I am sad that I have no power to protect those precious hearts through the battle, or war, of cancer. I wrote that some days I am mad about being unable to protect them.

Most days, though, I realize that their Protector, and mine, is oh so much more able than I to protect, and heal, the hearts of my babies.

And my husband's.

And mine.

No matter what happens.