Screaming

I still have hair. Some. White. And it was long. 1/4 inch or so. But no more. As I progress through this "cancer thing", I find myself growing stronger, and even more courageous. For I am beginning to not care about convention. As in having hair, or having my bald-ish head covered in public. As a result, I just finished completely "buzzing" my head. Not shaved with a razor, but as close to that as possible. I was more self-conscious with 1/4 inch long hair than I think I will be with hair so short it cannot be measured.

I have pretty much stopped wearing my "hair" (as in wig). And, while having a bald-ish head is COLD, I am beginning to cut back on wearing hats as well. I need to be comfortable enough with my body to be able to take the hat off at any time -- especially during a hot flash. Because hot flashes are HOT. And sweaty. Hmmm. What would be worse, being a bald woman in public, or being a bald woman who has fainted in public?

Friday morning, I had the second echo-cardiogram. And I went without a hat. It was freeing. Even the second glances and stares from strangers -- while a bit difficult at first -- did not bother me enough to put my hat on. I still always travel with an emergency head-covering. Friday, I grew stronger.

Being bald in public is hard. Not the bald part. But the part that screams, without anyone saying a word, to passersby "I have CANCER". THAT is the hard part.

But I do have cancer. And I am bald. So, I'll just continue to live while my body screams. My new normal.