Chemo #4

Today was the day for chemo battle #4 -- the last treatment of the nasty (but, hopefully, effective) adriamyiacin and cytoxan. These are the drugs I can never have again, as at least one of them would prove to be fatal. I was a bit emotional as I sat in the blue recliner waiting for the poisons...and then, as I worked through it and calmed myself, I came back to the "it is what it is, and this is what it takes to make it different".

Dr. Segal was not happy with me when he learned that I had informed the research people at the clinical trial that I would sign up for the trial but would not stay in it if I was assigned to receive just the new drug. Shouldn't have told them that because they will think Dr. Segal is in "collusion" with me. So far from the truth -- he thinks I should do the study no matter which part I am assigned. Oh well.

I have continued to impress Dr. Segal in so many ways (other than the one mentioned above..) I know big words, my bone marrow is amazing (repeated today), AND I have continued to work. "That is impressive. So impressive. Hardly anyone works through this treatment." Perhaps I should reconsider and stop working? NO! It helps me to take my mind off of cancer. Besides, there are still those pesky bills to pay, darn them.

I have an echocardiogram (again) on February 6th, and a chest xray the same day. This is in preparation for the next steps in the treatment. I start weekly chemo with Taxol on February 12th. Taxol can cause an allergic reaction...so pray that I will be immune from that. There is an alternative, chemically related drug, but from what I've heard of the alternative, it is harder to handle. Taxol rarely causes nausea (!), but can cause loss of finger and toe nails. Can also cause neuropathy (numbness?) in fingers and toes. In conjunction with the Taxol, I will start the her2-neu inhibitors. Depending on the clinical trial, those drugs could be started at the same time. If I am on herceptin, I'll have injections weekly for one year. So I am glad that it will start with the beginning of Taxol and not wait until Taxol is done. That saves me 12 weeks. I should know more about the trial next week.

I have been reading in the book of James from the Bible. In verse of 2 of the first chapter, James tells us to "consider it pure joy when you encounter trials of various kinds..." Pure joy? Yes, because trials test my faith, and testing produces endurance and lets me grow as a whole person, to develop spiritual maturity, and stability of character. It is through confronting what I don't want that I am thrown back on to God. James does not promise that God will take away the trial/problem, or make it any easier, only that, if I let Him, God will give me what I need to get through. The trial might test me to the limit, but I will be the better for it. Hard advice, but liberating. Accept the cancer, trust God, and grow. In the end, that will bring peace.

Philip Yancey wrote "Faith means trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse".

My faith has already been strengthened by looking in reverse...finding the lump through pain ("early stage breast cancer is painless" --not mine, apparently!), the fast trip to surgery, oncology, etc. The complete removal of the cancerous tissue, the cancer-free lymph-node, the availability of excellent health insurance. The wonderful support of family and friends.

I am convinced that God is at work here -- even through my tremendous weakness, His strength is evident to me. I hope He is evident, at least through my cancer journey, to you as well. There are no coincidences with God. None. And there are no surprises to Him. None. He is not just my God. He is THE God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, of you and of me. You can bet I have asked Him lots of hard questions...most beginning with the word "why". But every day that I can read His word, He answers me. With Scripture that speaks directly to me. Like this morning's passage in James -- every trial pure joy? And, how exactly, Lord, do I do that? But then He tells me! Just ask Him for the strength and wisdom, and He will supply it.

I must trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey. And with His help, I will be strong and courageous and make it through this battle of cancer. But it is His strength that strengthens me. Accepting. Trusting. Growing.