As For Me...

I have shared, perhaps too often, the fears that came with cancer.  

The terror.  

I have never felt anything like it.  So scared.  So anxious.  

Never.

Ever.

I have shared my conflicted heart.  

I have shared about what I know to be true about Christ and the salvation He has given me and the conflict that the terror of death has brought.  "How can I be a Christian and be so scared of death?"

Surely, my relationship with Christ, if true, would shield me from that terror, right?  And if I am not shielded, if I have that terror, what does that mean?  

It meant I went back to Him and asked.

Many times.

In the middle of the night.

In the middle of the meeting.

In the middle of the waiting room.

And the answer continues to come.

I am not alone.

The answer came from Sue Walt.  When I shared my terror with her, and my upset over the conflict, her words were quick and strong and reassuring.  "Drenda, you are not alone."

The answer came from Joyce McElmurry.  Same words, again.  "You are not alone."

I had never heard anyone admit to that fear.  I felt alone.  Ever since my Mom died, twenty years ago, I have wondered if she was scared of death.  I believe death was a physical relief for her, but was she scared?  I don't know.  And I've never had the courage to ask my Dad if he knows.  I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer.

But now I know I am not alone.  

And today, I was encouraged that there is another who understood.  I was reading Psalm 55, a Psalm written by David.   Do you know what David says to God?  

Psalm 55:4-5

My heart is in anguish within me,

And the terrors of death have fallen upon me.

Fear and trembling come upon me,

And horror has overwhelmed me.

And yet, even in those terrors, David ends the Psalm by writing "as for me, I trust in You."

My heart has been in anguish within me.

And terrors of death have fallen upon me.

As for me, I will trust in Him.