Race for the Cure

Today I participated in my first "Race for the Cure".  

The entire morning was filled with conflicting emotions.

Team Strong and Courageous.  An amazing team of support. 

There for me.  To support ME.  

There because I had breast cancer.

But that very fact punched me in the stomach a million times throughout the morning.  

I kept thinking "I shouldn't be here" everywhere I went.

Survivor City?   That is a great thing.  A great place.  But why was I there?

I said to Becky "this is not right.  We should not be here."  

And she completely and instantly understood. 

We should not have been there because I should not have had cancer.  Another "how did this happen" moment.

As we walked to meet up with the Team, we heard the live radio broadcast.  Celebrating different survivors.

"We have Mrs. ____, a breast cancer survivor who is 93 years old!  She is here in her wheelchair!  And she has battled breast cancer FOUR times!"

"Another survivor!  Her breast cancer has gone to her brain, and she has battled TWENTY brain tumors!  She is here!"

I looked at Becky.  

She looked at me.  

"ooohh.  20 brain tumors."

I had to fight back the tears.  

I guess it is good to know that people can and do battle this monster of breast cancer multiple times.

But not me.

I don't want to.

I want to be DONE. 

And I found the radio broadcast disturbing in its reminder that cancer may not be done with me.

So, even though I am cancer free, I will still need to be strong and courageous.

Strong enough to refuse to pick up the bag of fear.

Courageous enough to live.