Who Am I?

More good news. I have not been nauseated from the new chemotherapy drug I received yesterday. What a relief! I was so hoping that this would be the case. I could not fathom the idea of being sick for 12 weeks with no break in between treatments. Thank you, God!

This evening, I have been reflecting on the last few months. As I looked at my body in the mirror, I thought "my body is a carved up mess now". Two surgeries and three incision scars, two of which are quite prominent, hardly any hair on my body. But I am not my breasts. I am not my hair. I am not cancer. I am ME.

I am not the same "ME" that I was before the evening of November 8, 2008. That was the night that I felt the lump in my breast and I KNEW. The next hours, days, and weeks were filled with sheer terror. How does a Mom tell her daughters that she has breast cancer? Two of those precious girls are away at college and had to hear the news over the telephone. What wrenching calls to make, and, I am sure, even more wrenching to receive. Telling our third daughter, only 12 at the time, was just as difficult. Only instead of just hearing the tears, she had to watch them. After explaining to her the diagnosis, Don asked "Ellie, do you know what cancer is?" "Yes. It's the virus that kills people." Oh my goodness. Moms are supposed to protect their babies, not scare them.

The old "ME" had things under control. Life was planned. Had to be -- lots of responsibilities and not enough time in each day. No more control apparently. But there is more time in each day because circumstances require more "no" answers to requests.

As I have journeyed through the trials and tribulations of breast cancer, I have thought more about death than ever before. I have re-examined my faith in the true and everlasting God. I have questioned HIm beyond what I could have imagined. I have experienced triumphs and failures over panic attacks and illness. I have known such true love and support from my amazing family and my dear friends.

No, I am not the same. I am weaker. I am stronger. I am more fearful. I am more courageous. I am scared. I am bold.

But I am not my body. And I am not cancer.