~Pride~

Pride.

In the first weeks after I learned that I had breast cancer, I actually said (a number of times, even) "I am not saying 'why me, God?'."  I said "why shouldn't it be me?".  

Oh, those words sounded so good.

So noble.  

So mature.  

Strong and courageous, perhaps.

I wasn't going to be the Christian who questioned God.  No.  Not me.

Instead of asking "why me?"  I was asking "how did this happen?".  Those were my actual words.

"HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?"

How DID this happen?

I don't know.  

And it doesn't matter, really.  

Because it DID 'happen'.  And there is no alternative but to walk through the "happen".

Then I realized that "how did this happen?" can be translated to mean "why me?".  

Really.

I WAS asking God "why me?"

And I was doing the asking in a very prideful way.

The question was not, and is not, the problem.

The pride is.

I had my life planned out.

Well, not completely or really planned out, but the outline did not include breast cancer.

My outline did not include suffering.

Or pain.

Or emotional turmoil.

Or anything difficult or negative.

Time to scrap the outline.

And live by God's outline.  

Really, it is living by God's leading.  He has my hand. 

And, remember, He has promised to go into the foreign land with me.

Funny that I have never asked God "why me?" when I receive good news, or something I consider a blessing.  Perhaps because I expect good things?  Because I think that I deserve good things?

Suffering can be a blessing, too.

I am starting to see that.  

God tells us to consider it pure joy when we face trials.

Pride must be pushed out of the way.

God knows my questions.  

He knows my emotions.  

He knows my sin.  But He won't remember it.  That is the promise of the cross.

And He loves me anyway.