Please and Thank You

It is good to be 'cancer free'.  

It is.

And I feel like a very small person to complain.  Shouldn't I just be thrilled that I am alive?

Yet, I still have those moments.

Those days.

Of realizing that I will NEVER be 'cancer carefree'.

Because the gift of cancer keeps on giving.

Good things.

And not so good things.

Today is not so good.

Nothing terrible.

Just struggling with the newest 'gifts'.

Hearing loss.  Almost time for an aid in my left ear.  Thank you, chemo.

Fatigue.  Sometimes, still, severe.  And today?  Today, I was informed that the fatigue could be my companion for many, many years.  Yes, I'd been told before that it 'takes a long time' for the fatigue to fade.  But "many, many years?"  Please.

Hair loss.  Mild in comparison to chemo, but loss just the same.  And today?  Today that hair loss was given a name.

Male pattern baldness.  Um, excuse me?    Caused by inhibiting estrogen.

Great.

Other things, too.  But you don't want the details.  Trust me.

So, as I drove home from the doctor appointment today, I realized that I am still mourning.  And I was surprised.

Mourning the physical effects of cancer and its treatment on my body.

Still grieving the mark that cancer has left on my family.

It has been almost two years.  

Shouldn't it be over?