After seeing my doctor, I had the second chemo treatment today. Apparently, the doctor I saw last week (must have been a newbie, me thinks) over-reacted about the white blood count level. Mine was 2400, and I was told to not eat anything that had not been cooked. No fresh fruits or veggies. hmm. Today, my doctor said a "low" count that would be worrisome would be 900. 2400 was quite good considering the treatment.
I had been doing very well at controlling the panic - I was quite panic free for almost two weeks. But then, I stupidly read an obituary...of a young mom with breast cancer that traveled to her brain. Panic returned. Dr. Segal called in a refill of my sedatives, so should I need them I'll have them. I am not sure if the panic is a fear of dying, or a fear of the process of dying. Breast Cancer is testing my faith -- I SAY I believe that absent from the body is present with the Lord, and I THINK I believe that absent from the body is present with the Lord, but I admit that I have to go back to God's word to reassure me. I am coming to the conclusion that my fear is of the process of dying, not death itself, and it is fear for my family. Again, a test of my faith. As tremendously difficult it was for me when my Mom died, I am OK. I am OK. And my family can be OK, too. Surely, the Lord of the universe, the creator of heaven and of earth and of me, and of Don, Anna, Rachel and Eleanor, is capable of caring for His creation. And they all have accepted the gift Christ offers all by his death on the cross and resurrection. They too have eternal life with God in heaven. So what worries me? Still figuring it all out I guess. Please don't think I am expecting death from this round of cancer. But it is possible that I will always struggle with breast cancer. I am just being honest about my panic and fears and thoughts.
I did mention to Dr. Segal that I have had headaches (I have -- no lie!) since the last treatment. So he ordered another brain MRI, and this one was approved! Brain MRI scheduled for Monday, January 5th. Dr. Segal also gave me samples of a different anti-nausea medicine to try after the iv meds wear off in three days. We're hoping that will shorten the number of sick days.
Don had to work today, so Linda, Ron, and Janette worked together to make sure I was not alone for the appointments. THANK YOU. Even though I've done this once before, it is still scary and upsetting. It helps so very much to have someone with me. I enjoyed reading my "Chemo Notebook" that my family has prepared for me with photos and notes of encouragements. The additions for chemo #2 included precious art work and notes from my sweet Ellie and some of my younger nieces and nephews. One niece signed her art "your favorite niece Claire" and the other signed "from your dear Sophie". They are all so dear to me! I admit I cry easily (as in very) these days, but my chemo notebook had me teary again. I know I am so completely loved and supported by my family. Thank you Thank you Thank you.
Things seemed to go faster today, and we were done with everything in under four hours. Ron dropped us off, and drove in to pick us up as we literally stepped out of the office. Perfect timing!
I came home and ate lunch, had some raisnets, liquids, then took a short rest. I return for the neulasta injection on Friday afternoon. That isn't too bad, but it does make my bones and joints ache and ache and ache. But, hey, what's an ache or two, or five, when you're in the business of killing cancer cells?
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